


petrichor

by karasunotsubasa



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Arguing, Canon Compliant, Crying Victor Nikiforov, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Making Up, Vulnerable Victor Nikiforov, after gpf barcelona, the aftermath of 'let's end this'
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-06
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-12 01:55:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,237
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29877366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/karasunotsubasa/pseuds/karasunotsubasa
Summary: The way Yuuri says "Let's end this," feels like the first thunder of a storm that will wreck Victor's heart.When the storm clears, what will remain of it?Petrichor, the earthy scent produced when rain falls on dry soil, and even more foolish love for a Yuuri who knows how to mend it.
Relationships: Katsuki Yuuri/Victor Nikiforov
Comments: 7
Kudos: 65





	petrichor

**Author's Note:**

> written in 02/2020 for mollyst4rts

"You scared me," Victor admits the night after the Grand Prix Final.

They may have chosen to focus on other things, on happiness and hope, in light of Yuuri's fantastic second place finish, but none of what they have spoken of just the night before got resolved. None of what they have felt was explained. None of that… none of that let them simply be.

Even if Victor curls himself up inside Yuuri's arms, his hesitation is still obvious. As if Yuuri could turn him away, as if Yuuri didn't want to hold him as much as Victor wants to be held.

"I thought it would be the end of the best thing that's happened to me in years," Victor confesses quietly, when Yuuri says nothing, choosing to allow him to speak his heart out. "I thought that maybe you… maybe you got tired of me."

On a gasp of disbelief, Yuuri starts: "I could never–"

"Really?" Victor cuts him off, a bit curt. He seems to realize his own voice is a bit too bitter, a bit too aggressive, and when next he speaks, he mellows it out into something so heartbreaking that Yuuri is momentarily stunned. "You never thought that? You never even once found me annoying? My clinginess? My constant need for attention?" The single breath Yuuri takes to form an answer is enough to make Victor take it the wrong way. "See? It's so easy to get fed up with someone like me. It's so easy to grow to hate something that you once loved."

"Victor, no," Yuuri stops him then. He tightens his arms around Victor, who feels small like never. Fragile. Lonely, despite Yuuri being so close. "I never felt that way. Maybe at times you were a bit too much for me, but I never felt annoyed by it. If I'm being honest I, well, I felt annoyed with myself for shying away from you. But I was never upset with you over that."

It's light, but Yuuri feels Victor tremble in his arms. "So I _am_ too much for you… You said it yourself."

"Not like that," Yuuri tells him softly, yet in a voice that brokers no arguments. "I– Victor, you have to understand, I'm not like you. You know that, but I don't think you fully realize what that means. I have grown used to your touches, I have grown used to you breaking into my personal space, I have grown used to you." Yuuri runs a soothing hand over Victor's back. "And I would never presume to change you. But there will be days when I don't want to be touched. When I don't want to talk or I don't want to smile or be around people. I can't control those. I can fight them, yes, and I will, but I need you to know that whenever that happens, it's not directed at you or caused by you. You are not too much. You are… You are just enough."

Once more, Victor shudders. His fingers dig into the fabric of Yuuri's worn out t-shirt as if that could give him the certainty that Yuuri will stay.

"I know those days," Victor whispers back. "And I understand, Yuuri, I truly do. I just– It felt to me like you wanted me to leave you alone. Like you didn't want me anymore. Like I've done what you needed me for and now you were just throwing me out like a used up pen."

A tiny snort escapes Yuuri. "If you thought I was capable of that, you have no one else to blame but yourself."

"Don't make fun of me," Victor pleads in a voice so vulnerable that Yuuri immediately regrets his previous words.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that," he apologizes. "But, Victor, do you truly think I'm so heartless? Do you really doubt all of the months we've spent together? Do you, do you doubt this?"

Yuuri moves his hand into Victor's line of vision. His right hand. His ring hand. Where the golden band that Victor has put on him, the one matching Victor's own, sits proudly, gleaming in the faded light of the night stand lamp.

"I–" Victor breathes. "I, I was just scared. I never wanted anything as much as I wanted this, and when you said that you wanted to end it… I panicked. My mind jumped to the worst possible scenario, because that's what I've been afraid of. You, deciding I'm too troublesome to bother with. You, leaving me."

"I might say the same thing back to you," Yuuri tells him. "How many times did you already have to bother with my ups and downs? Even last night..."

"I want to bother with them for the rest of my life. That's hardly a fair comparison."

"Then is it so hard to believe that I want to bother with yours for the rest of mine?" Yuuri asks back.

Victor is silent for a moment. For a long, long moment. In fact, he is silent for so long that Yuuri reaches for his hand and twists the ring on his finger with his thumb. The gold gleams, warm and hopeful.

"Because I do, you know?" Yuuri adds. "I do want to bother with you for the rest of my life. If that's what you also want, that is. Me, with all my issues and all my faults, which I know are many, but I promise that I will try to do better and–"

"Yuuri."

The hushed, sweet voice feels as if Victor pressed a tender finger to Yuuri's lips. Yuuri's words halt, but he knows they have been heard – he feels it in the heartbeat that flutters against the arm he has wrapped over Victor's back.

"I want you, too," Victor tells him. "I have wanted you for so long, and I only got you, truly got you, for that one afternoon, only to hear you say all that barely hours after. Can you imagine how scary that was? Getting what you were so desperately yearning for, only to have it taken away a few hours later? Only fate could be that cruel. Fate… and Yuuri Katsuki."

Victor's hurt stabs Yuuri in the heart again. "I'm sorry."

Victor sighs, a deep, shuddering thing. He buries his face in Yuuri's chest, while his arms tighten around Yuuri.

"I'm sorry," Yuuri repeats, bowing his head to press his lips to the top of Victor's head.

"Say it a dozen times more and maybe I will forget about it," Victor mumbles.

"No, you won't." Yuuri knows that however different their minds and weaknesses may be, something that has hurt so deeply will not be forgotten that easily. "But I will say it as many times as you want me to. I'm sorry, Victor."

"I know," Victor sighs again. He holds Yuuri tighter. "I know."

It's late. The clocks ticks away the seconds, loud in the quiet of the hotel at night. They should both be trying to sleep in preparation for the exhibition skate, but Yuuri knows that even if they pretend to go through the motions, neither of them will be able to get a wink of sleep until this is fully resolved.

And maybe not even then.

"Say… what's going to happen now?" Yuuri asks quietly after a while.

"What do you mean?" Victor asks back, equally as hushed. As if speaking louder could break the invisible bubble of comfort, forgiveness and understanding they have created around them. "With your skating? Or me coming back? Or… or us?"

The last word is almost a whisper, and Yuuri's is no louder when he says: "All of them."

"I don't want anything to change," Victor admits.

"Me neither," Yuuri agrees on a breath of pained relief. "But you know it has to."

Hearteningly stubborn, Victor asks: "Does it really? Why should it? I will keep coaching you like I have this far. I will keep skating like I have this far. And we will, we will keep being together like we have this far. Why does anything have to change?"

Even if the sentiment of Victor's feelings is lovely, Yuuri cannot simply accept that and remain silent.

"You can't do all of that alone."

"Who says I can't? I've done it this far. I can keep doing it–"

"You can't," Yuuri interrupts him. He's gentle about it, yet firm. Victor must see that he can't coach Yuuri and train at the same time. "Where will you find the time to coach me, to pick apart my programs and improve them with me, at the same time working of your own? And alone? You are a wonderful skater, Victor, but you are no god."

In his arms, Victor's shoulders grow tense.

"What are you trying to say, Yuuri?"

"I'm just worried that staying with me might be too hard on you," Yuuri says.

"Staying with you… or coaching you?" Victor asks, and when Yuuri doesn't immediately answer, Victor sits up so abruptly that he almost headbutts Yuuri in the chin. His eyes are hard and narrowed when he twists around to look at Yuuri. "Are we back to the beginning now? Didn't we just talk about it?"

"No, we didn't. It's not the same thing." Yuuri also rises to look Victor in the eye. He brings up his knees and rests his elbows on them, sighing. "I don't want to argue, Victor. I really don't. I'm too tired, and I know you are too. But I have to say this, because it's true: you can't do this alone."

"I won't be alone," Victor insists. "I will have you. You will support me in this, no?"

"Of course I will support you. I will always support you." Yuuri finds one of Victor's hands on the sheets. It's clenched tight, so Yuuri slides his fingers under Victor's wrist and waits until Victor makes the move to take it. Only once he does, does Yuuri speak again: "But because I want to support you, I have to say this. Because I care, I don't want you to have to take all that burden onto your shoulders. Please, don't do this alone, Victor."

"Then what do you think I should do?" Victor asks.

He's still tense, still on guard as if he was afraid that any second now Yuuri might say the same words he did yesterday. But at least he's listening. 

"I think..." Yuuri takes a deep breath. "I think you should talk to Yakov."

"And what? Go back to Russia?" Victor's voice is a mixture of disbelief and disgust. "You can be so thoughtlessly cruel, Yuuri..."

He tries to rip his hand out of Yuuri's, but Yuuri holds on. He pulls Victor in, turns him around and forces him to look at him, even if it's hard.

"Talk to Yakov," Yuuri repeats, and when Victor opens his mouth again, Yuuri presses a hand over it. "Talk to him. See what he thinks. What your choices are." Yuuri drops his hand, and then, much more softly, he adds: "You need him, Victor. Just like I need you. He is your coach, the only one you will be able to work with. If you are to return, you can't do it alone."

On a whim, which rings true as soon as he speaks the words, Yuuri says his final piece: "And if you have to move to Russia to make it work, then we will move to Russia. That's all there is to it."

For a moment, Victor looks stunned.

"We?"

Yuuri nods.

"You mean… you'd come with me?"

Yuuri nods again.

"You'd leave home just, just for me?"

"What do you mean 'just' for you? Who else would I leave home for?"

Much like the night before, Yuuri doesn't see the moment it starts. One second all is well, they are considering their future and he thinks he's finally getting through to Victor, and the next beautiful pearls of tears begin to drop from Victor's eyes. Fat and gorgeous, they roll down his cheeks like gems, sending Yuuri's heart into a confused stutter.

"Victor?" Yuuri asks, slightly panicked. "Did I say something wrong? Are you– Well, of course you aren't okay, but what–"

"You mean it?" Victor whispers, meeting Yuuri's gaze with his tearful one. "You'd, you'd move to Russia with me just so I can train under Yakov again and coach you at the same time?"

Yuuri squeezes Victor's hand. "Yes. Yes, I would. I will, if that's what we have to do. Will you– Does that mean you'll talk to Yakov?"

Victor nods and his tears drop onto the sheets. He hides his face from Yuuri, bowing his head low. Gently, like he has also done it yesterday, Yuuri pulls up Victor's chin. This time he does not gawk, though. This time, tenderly, he wipes away those precious tears, giving Victor a hesitant smile.

"Are you okay?" he asks softly.

Victor shakes his head.

"Can I help?" Yuuri asks. 

"You can start by not giving me heart attacks anymore," Victor answers, but then he shakes his head again. "Then again, if you did, it wouldn't be quite the same, would it?"

He gives a little laugh that sounds so pitiful that Yuuri can't help wanting to pull him into his arms. Only for a second does he hesitate, and then he simply does it. He holds Victor close, while he sniffles and gasps softly into Yuuri's shoulder.

"That's twice this week you've made me cry," Victor says once he calms down a little. "I promise that I am not such a crybaby about everything."

"Only about me?" Yuuri guesses, and the thought for some reason makes him smile. "Does that mean I'm special?"

He says it half-jokingly, but Victor must take his question seriously, because he pulls back a bit to look Yuuri in the eye.

"You are very special, Yuuri," he says, honest. "The most special person in my life. I wouldn't cry for anyone else, just so you know."

Oddly touched, Yuuri wipes away a wet spot from Victor's cheek. "We make quite a pair, don't we?"

Victor laughs. "That we do."

They lapse into silence again, sitting up in bed, uncomfortable. When Yuuri's leg begins to fall asleep, they slide back under the sheets and cuddle together, as if being this close still wasn't close enough. And it isn't. But how much time will they have to be intimate like this, once Victor returns to skating? How much time will they actually have to spend together, apart from the trainings and practices? How much time will Victor have for Yuuri on top of his own choreography and programs?

The more Yuuri thinks about it, the less sure he is that they will be able to do this. There is no other way, though. Victor wants to skate, it's clear to see. And Yuuri would rather retire than watch him give up on something he wants for himself for the first time in years just to keep him close. He'd rather give up skating himself, than allow Victor to do so.

"You're thinking bad things again, aren't you?"

Victor's eyes are rimmed red from crying, but they have not lost any of their attentiveness. Yuuri opens his mouth to make something up, but stops when Victor simply keeps looking at him. Open and kind, and lovingly understanding – Victor knows Yuuri too well for him to get away with lying.

"I'm just thinking of how we're going to make this work," Yuuri admits. "It's going to be so much, Victor. Even if we move to Russia."

Victor sighs. "I know. That's why I didn't want to do this. It's too much trouble, and too much to ask of you."

"But you need to skate," Yuuri insists.

"The world has already gotten so many years of my life–"

"I'm not talking about that," Yuuri interrupts him. "I'm talking about you. You need to skate, Victor. For yourself. You want to, don't you?"

"Yeah… Yeah, I do," Victor admits quietly. His hair falls onto his face and before he can brush it back, Yuuri does it for him. Victor gives him a tiny smile. "I want to skate with you. With Yurio, and Chris, and everyone else. But is my selfishness really worth all this trouble?"

Resting his hand on Victor's cheek, Yuuri slides his face a bit closer. Their foreheads touch tenderly and they breathe as one, sweetly, intimately hopeful.

"It is," Yuuri says. "You're worth all the trouble, Victor. What would you say if it was me who had these doubts?"

"I would say you're more than worth it, too," Victor agrees. "But are you sure you want to do this? Is it, is it even okay of me to ask for so much?"

"Hey," Yuuri smiles suddenly, remembering what Victor has told him of the previous Grand Prix banquet, "did you think it was too much when I asked you to coach me last year?"

"No, it was perfect. Just the right amount of spontaneous and thrilling that I needed."

Victor is smiling now, too. Soft and glowing, and simply gorgeous. Yuuri loves him so much that his next words come as easily as breathing.

"Then you are perfect, too," he says. "Now, ask me. Come on."

Victor looks at him for a moment longer, before he gives in. "Would you come with me to Russia, so I can return back to skating, Yuuri?"

"Yes," Yuuri tells him. He brings up Victor's hand, the one with the ring on it, and kisses the warm band softly. "I'd be happy to, Victor."

"I have no idea what I've done to deserve you, but I am no doubt the luckiest man alive," Victor says, twisting his hand, so that he can slide his fingers next to Yuuri's and hold his hand. "Even if you do make me cry every now and then."

"I'm sorry," Yuuri apologizes again, yet he cannot help adding: "You are rather pretty when you cry, though. Did you know that?"

When Victor laughs this time, it's in a much clearer voice, much lighter spirits. Yuuri joins him for a moment.

"I love you," Victor says once they both stop, only looking at each other softly.

"I love you, too," Yuuri says back, blushing a bit at how new this still feels.

His ring on Victor's hand, Victor's ring on his hand. Their plans for the future that involve skating and them skating together, being together, living together: for the good and the bad.

"I'm still worried," he confesses. "But also… also, a little excited."

"It's going to be a great new adventure," Victor agrees. He squeezes Yuuri's hand. "And I'm glad to be able to start it with you. If we are together, I think we can do anything."

Unable to form his feelings into words, Yuuri simply leans forward and catches Victor's lips.

Maybe his theme for the next season could be 'together' as well.

But that, he thinks as Victor's hand tangles in his hair, is a question for the future. For now, he can just be. And he is: content and hopeful, warm in Victor's arms. And there is nothing better than this, not even the medal he has just won. This, here, now, is his world. And he is not letting it slip out of his fingers. Never again.

**Author's Note:**

> we really needed to see them talk a bit more about this in the show, didn't we?  
> thank god for fic 🙏


End file.
